|
Give someone a laugh today! Remember, when you smile, your friends will wonder what you've been up to. But when you laugh, they will laugh along with you. Laughter has been proven to be a life extender, and builds relationships fast.
|
Here are some of my favorite stories and jokes, often a little oriented towards the senior age group:
-
SHAGGY DOG STORY:
Dog joke: Kid says "the dog is dead", so the vet is called and brings a cat along, in a cage. Vet takes cat out of cage and holds it in front of the dog, with no reaction. Then holds it in front of the dog's nose, no reaction. Moves cat around to the ears, paws, and over the whole dog's body, all without reaction from the dog. Whereupon vet pronounces the dog truly dead and leaves. Sends bill for $100. $5 for the visit, $95 for the cat scan.
-
SHAGGY DUCK JOKE:
Duck came into bar, sat on stool, got comfortable.
Bartender asked: "What can I serve you?"
"Ya got any grapes?"
"No, we serve whiskey and mixed drinks, not grapes."
So the duck left.
The next night, Duck came into bar again, sat on stool, got comfortable. Bartender asked: "What can I serve you?"
"Ya got any grapes?"
"No, I told you before, we serve whiskey and mixed drinks, not grapes. Now don't ask me that again!"
So the duck left.
The next night, Duck came into bar again, sat on stool, got comfortable. Bartender asked: "What can I serve you?"
"Ya got any grapes?"
"No, I told you before, we serve whiskey and mixed drinks, not grapes. Ask me that again and I'll nail your beak to the bar!" So the duck left. The next night, Duck came into bar again, sat on stool, got comfortable. Bartender asked: "What can I serve you?"
"Ya got any nails?"
"Hmm. No, I don't."
"Ya got any grapes?"
-
SHAGGY WORK JOKE:
"Who will do the Work?" by Charles Santore.
There are not as many people working as you may have thought. The population of our country is about 200 million. 84 million are over 60 years of age, thus leaving 116 million to do most of the work. There are 75 million people under the age of 20. This leaves 41 million to do the work. There are 22 million employed by our federal government. That leaves only 19 million to do the work. An additional 4 million people are with the armed forces, which leaves barely 15 million to carry the workload. Deduct 14,800,000 for state and local employees plus 188,000 people in hospitals, insane asylums, etc., which leaves 12,000 people to do the work. Now, it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in our jails. So, that leaves a grand total of just 2 people to carry the entire work load of our country. Those 2 people are YOU & ME!
-
ONE LINERS, ETC:
I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson
-
AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
-
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
-
Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
-
Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
-
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. -- Internet
-
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Bernard Shaw
-
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. --Internet
-
Don't turn it on, if you can't turn it off. Fortune cookie
-
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. --Internet
-
Human conception typically involves a chaotic dash by tens of millions of sperm seeking a path to a single egg. Some researchers believe that so many sperm are required because not one of them will ask for directions. -- Peter H. Lewis, NY Times
-
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects. --Internet
-
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity. --Internet
-
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen. --Internet
-
Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often! --Internet
-
It's a summons." "What's a summons?" "It means summon's in trouble." -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
-
To generalize is to be an idiot. -- William Blake
-
Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. --Internet
-
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
-
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." -- Internet
-
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse.
The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
-
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- Plato
-
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress".
-
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." -- Internet
-
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person. -- Internet
-
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. -- Internet
-
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms! -- Internet
-
Billboard Ad on large chain motel:
"Half our guests swim topless!"
-
Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood
-
Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. -- Ambrose
Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
-
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
(3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects. Net
-
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Internet
-
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?
-- Kelvin Throop III
-
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. Mark Twain
-
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. -- Doug
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. Net
-
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. Net
-
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. Internet
-
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles Schultz
-
Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business
executives. Now a rigorous mathematical proof that explains why
this is true:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer and scientist knows,
Work
---------- = Power
Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have
Work
--------- = Knowledge
Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Work
----------- = Money
Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity
regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The less you Know, the more you make.
-
THIS IS LONG, BUT WELL WORTH IT:
A friend once unpacked a SCSI drive shipped from Bubba's in Louisiana, and it arrived with this article in the packaging. No kidding!
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE
Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask you to:
PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT
AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW
YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS
FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE
DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?
We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that
your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.
OK? Now let's talk about:
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE
The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.
PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.
Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of
engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a
bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
"Barker", if you get our drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.
If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
Pete.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE
The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current
to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device
is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of
Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.
DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!
Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE
OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE
WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
"SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a
very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from
Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY
Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding
all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover
the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
-
The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. -- H. L. Mencken
-
You must not be getting old since they say your memory is the second thing to go but I can't remember the first. Barbara Timmons-Senter
-
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. Internet
-
Your lucky number has been disconnected. Internet
-
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second
Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. Internet
-
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. Internet
-
This is an excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. Internet
-
The trick is to get to 100; not many die after that. -- George Burns
-
Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. -- Internet
-
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. -- Mark Twain
-
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. Internet
-
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
-
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again. Internet
-
Two men are talking, one about twenty years of age and the other about sixty.
Young man: Have you noticed a difference between the way you think now and when you were younger?
Older man: I'm much more concerned with the hereafter.
Young man: That's wonderful. You mean you're much more spiritual?
Older man: No, I mean every time I walk into the kitchen, I think what am I here after?
-
"Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it."
and "Plan to be spontaneous......tomorrow!" Both from Porschefans digest
-
In God We Trust, all others pay cash.
-
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical
profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
-
God saw that Adam wasn't perfectly happy. So he said: "Adam, I think you need a companion who will take care of your every need, cook your meals, love you, keep your habitation in perfect order, never argue with you, always be a soul-mate." Adam said "that certainly sounds wonderful, how much would it cost?" God said "it would be expensive, maybe an arm and a leg." Adam said "that is a little expensive, what could I get for a rib?"
From Porschefans:
-
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to the cafeteria
Barium - What you do when CPR fails
Benign - What you be after you be eight
Bowel - A letter like A,E,I,O,U, and sometimes Y
Caesarean Section - A neighborhood near Rome
Cat Scan - Searching for Kitty
Cat Scan - What dogs do when they enter your yard
Cauterize - Made eye contact with the nurse
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
-
TOP 50 OXYMORONS......In reverse order:
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
#45. Airline food
#44. Good grief
#43. Same difference
#42. Almost exactly
#41. Government organization
#40. Sanitary landfill
#39. Alone together
#38. Legally drunk
#37. Silent scream
#36. British fashion
#35. Living dead
#34. Small crowd
#33. Business ethics
#32. Soft rock
#31. Butt heads
#30. Military intelligence
#29. Software documentation
#28. New York culture
#27. Extinct life
#26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. New classic
16. Temporary tax increase
#15. French bravery
#14. Plastic glasses
#13. Terribly pleased
#12. Computer security
#11. Political science
#10. Tight slacks
#9. Definite maybe
#8. Pretty ugly
#7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
#6. Diet ice cream
#5. Rap music
#4. Working vacation
#3. Exact estimate
#2. Religious tolerance
#1. Microsoft Works
-
* "Sometimes I wake up Grumpy,
* other times I let her sleep."
-
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them." Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
-
"Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble." - Dennis Fakes
-
If you can't be good...Be good at it! [Porschefan's email]
-
In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with
President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again" [Porschefan's email]
-
"A closed mouth gathers no feet"
-
1999 ONE LINERS:
1. Save the whales. In fact, collect the whole set.
-
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
-
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
-
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
-
6. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
-
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
-
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
-
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
-
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
-
11. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
-
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
-
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
-
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
-
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
-
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
-
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
-
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
-
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
-
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
-
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
-
22. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
-
23. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
-
24. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
-
25. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
-
26. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, or going the wrong way.
-
27. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-
Or, If at first you don't succeed,
try reading the manual.
-
28. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
-
29. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-
30. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-
31. Bills travel at twice the speed of checks.
-
32. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
-
33. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
-
34. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
-
35. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
-
36. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
-
37. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
ability to reach it.
-
38. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
-
39. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
-
40. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
-
41. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
-
42. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
-
43. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
-
44. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
-
45. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-
46. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
-
47. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
-
48. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
-
49. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
-
50. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
-
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put in to our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?"
-
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
-
KITCHEN PHILOSOPHY:
If a messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, then this kitchen is delirious.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator/stove/dishwasher.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out!
A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:
Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren't you at school yesterday?
Tommy: Well Miss, my grand dad got burnt.
Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn't too badly hurt I hope?
Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums.
-
RISQUE -- NOT SUITABLE FOR EVERYONE:
Sex is important. Sex is one of the three best things we have -- I don't even know what the other two are. -- Helen Gurley Brown
First duck, after prosecutor has him take the stand: "Your honor, my name is 'Quack', and I was caught blowing bubbles at city pond. Sorry."
Judge: "$10 or 10 days."
Second duck, after prosecutor has him take the stand:
"Your honor, my name is 'Quack-Quack', and I was caught blowing bubbles at city pond. Sorry."
Judge: "$10 or 10 days."
Third duck takes stand, and before anybody says anything, the judge says:
"And I suppose you're 'Quack Quack Quack?"
Third duck: "No, your honor, I'm 'Bubbles'."
-
ENERGIZER BUNNY FOUND DEAD
The world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny earlier today. He was six years old.
Authorities believe the death occurred at approximately 8:42 last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going and going and going, "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death.
An autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief medical examiner Ever Reddy concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming and coming and coming...
Heard some other versions or different stories? Why not check out the link below to get your own 20MB of free webspace?
http://www.fortunecity.com/
|
|
|
|
